Get Out of My Head, I need Some Sleep

Postpartum depression and anxiety. We were all told about it while we were pregnant and supposedly knew what to look for. With your hormones doing crazy things, it is hard to recognize if you are experiencing "Baby Blues" or postpartum depression. For me, it took fantasizing for 3 days on the possibility and logistics of a parental "eject button" to realize that I needed to talk to someone. I was spending more and more time thinking about how I could escape from my role as a mom. The sobbing and sleeplessness for some reason seemed normal - go figure.

This hard to write about because I never wanted to admit I had lost control. One of the best things that happened to me was meeting a lactation consultant, Linda D., who was interested in my health, as well as my son's. She stated that if we took care of me, then my son would automatically improve. I have been having trouble with breastfeeding and milk supply since the beginning. At about 6 months, Dustin started losing weight and was label "failure to thrive" which is why I saw this lactation consultant.

During this time, I was having a difficult time sleeping because thoughts would play like a broken record in my head each time I tried to go to sleep. Usually, I watch Doris Day movies during these situations. Who can resist falling asleep while vegging out to a saccharin sweet comedy with an adorable blonde trying to find love? Alas, it is not possible to find her on everyday. When I did finally fall asleep, I never wanted to get out of bed. Enter into the my world of depression, exhaustion and anxiety. Linda suggested making an appointment to see a therapist.

Ok, I did not make this appointment right away because I was resisting the idea I really needed help. A few days later, when I was especially resenting my new role and the helplessness I was feeling, I made the appointment to see someone. Seeing a therapist was not an overnight fix-all. However, she has given me some ideas of ways to express myself, ie. this blog, and help me to be honest about what I am feeling. As GI Joe would say, "Knowing is half the battle."

The other half was medication. I was feeling better one the day to day, but still having trouble with the sleeplessness and anxiety. The truth of the matter is I have issues with needing to take anti-depressants and have been brought up to believe it is a sign of weakness. Setting that aside, I have been religious about taking the medication and noticing a difference. Each day I enjoy sharing in my son's experiences and developments, instead of dreading the moments he is awake. Whoo Hoo! Yay, Me!